MISS USA!

First off- Becca where are you?!/ My phone is broken so I told Sheila to call you and tell you it was on- but you aren't home! You have a life on a pageant night?!

Anyways- Trump cannot stop milking this Miss USA shit. That girl is an addict my ass- she was out partying like any other girl her age. But someone had a new Apprentice coming out so he had to throw a press conference. Show how forgiving he is- barf.

K what is up with these ghetto earrings on all of them? I mean we all know I love things that are bedazzled, and I love dangling earrings- but this is too much! What is up with the skintight animal prints on some of them?! Good god- is Omarosa their pageant trainer?! Some of these dresses are ok...but most aren't! Are they letting trannies in this now? There are some that are pretty damn manly!

Oh for the love of god- shut Nancy O'Dell up. Don't let her tell jokes, stop talking about your pregnancy.

And here we go- more milking of her "addiction" Oh god what a horrible dress! Horrible! Doesn't she have access to better clothes?

Where the hell is Ali Landry and her commentary? Instead I have to see that backstage crap? Didn't they have Carson from Queer Eye doing it before? I much prefered that.

Oh my god why do I have to watch them getting their pics taken? What a waste of freakin time! They aren't even talking- how am I going to make fun of them?! God Trump has just freakin ruined this pageant- this used to be where they would have to face the "reporters". They had better still do that!

Judges:
Vanessa Minnello- at least she was a Miss Teen USA. And every single time she hits a red carpet she dresses like she's still in a pageant- so I guess she is qualified. Where's Nick?

Jerry Springer- really? I mean I guess his career was rejuvenated with dancing with the stars- but to judge a pageant? I guess he is used to judging trannies

Kimora Lee Simmons- my mom swears she remembers when she was a big model and Lagerfeld's muse. I just think she looks like a Louis Vuitton carrying tranny!

quarterback guy I don't know

Giuliana DiPandi- I watch E news daily- it is my favourite of all the news shows. And I like her barbs at Ryan. But this girl is downright homely- how she snagged Bill Rancic is beyond me. But he is obviously her connection here to get to be a judge.

Jonathan Antin- Ok I only know this guy from The Soup but I am highly amused. He is so arrogant and sexxay it kills me! Look at that exposed chest- rrrrr....

Trump model management- top modeling agencies?!? My ass. Who the hell do they have?!? Never heard of them having any top model. I will look this up during the commercial!

la laker guy....boring...

Dance number in bikinis- of course. They look so enthusiastic- they look like a freakin parade of zombies....and I love this song! I have a weird love of Rihanna's music- makes me want to be in the Caribbean dancing.

Christ why do they have to have a stupid shawl- who the hell uses one of those with a bathing suit?!?! Yes it swings behind them...blah blah... Some of these girls need to call Miss J- their walk is not fierce. I swear I think they are all the same person- there is not one who is standing out to me. I am more interested in couch dancing with baxter!

Oh Kansas- 4 years ago is calling- it wants it's hair back....flipped out hair...really?

God these are cheap ass bikinis- they are riding up all of their asses! You would think they would tape it in place- I say that not having any idea how to use that stupid tape- it is very complicated!

Oh boy profiles! Are their interests collecting unicorns and making dream catchers?! My god Missouri looks just like Carrie Underwood- her interest is hair styling?! HAHA!! Texas' interests are motivation books?! I bet she is obsessed with that book "he's just not that into you"- haha (sorry Sheila!) Tennessee's interests are playing with her dog? How well rounded of her! Interest scrapbooking- yeah, so is everyone else's! Kansas' interests are target practice? Lovely! God there is no originality here! At least Rhode Island's interest is board games- hehe. God I miss the Miss America platforms. My platform is abstinence- hehe

Oh yay they are going to talk now! It only took an hour!! People vote for best looking at their high school? Lovely! I would have voted for Shanny- god I would love to see Shanny...especially now that Graham and I have bonded again- hehe! Hawaii- I want God to shine through me- blech...yuck...next! I'm passionate about life?! Yuck! So original- I'm glad you looked that speech up online! Oh shocking- your parents are your inspiration- yuck!

Oh evening gown- my favourite. I mean these girls are loaded- and they make the worst fashion choices

Virginia- what a stiff ugly dress- horrible bus. weird stiff slit. Makes her shoulders wide and arms man like

Hawaii- oh god I'm glad becca isn't watching- it is like a new version of Britney's striptease outfit- but with ripped fabric. Horrible! The netting is too light for her skin!! It doesn't match- she is too tanned! Horrible!

Missouri- wow...this is something....it is like Grecian meets the strip club- what the hell is with the plunging neckline and straps across- and cut down to her butt crease. And you can see all the lines of her implants- not well done! Not flattering!

Texas- Ok I don't mind this as much. I mean it looks cheap and thin fabric...but it is a nice cut on her...it fits her well and it walks well on the stage. Best so far...but not much competition!

Tennessee- well this is bright! Why does it have to be cut out on the sides! And red- too hoochy! Ladies- sometimes less is more!

Nevada- oh dear god- formal wear in fuchsia! Jesus Chirst! What is with this deconstructed fabric- she looks like a bridesmaid gone wrong! What freakin fashion magasine are they looking in!?!

California- ok in this case- too much fabric in some places- not enough in others. Horribly boring- it looks like Jennifer Hudson's Golden Globe dress- and this girl is definitely not plus size. And her breasts are jiggling- not a good look.

Kansas- oh god the hair is flipped out more. Dress is WAY too tight- she can't move and it is pulling across her stomach and chest...plus the say the sash goes around her stomach is giving her a belly...not a good look! This looks like something Beyonce would wear- nuf said

Utah- OH MY GOD! ! Stephanie Seymour check your closet- I think someone stole your wedding dress! Is this not the EXACT same dress she wore in the November Rain video?!!? HAHAH!! This is awesome! it is so incredibly hideous- and with a choker, and laced up heels- oh god....what the hell is this- it's like a train wreck- I can't look away!

Rhode Island- SHE TRIPPED!!!!!!! YAYA!!!!!!!!!!! K this is a mave of sorts...again- Beyonce would love this- I hate the sinching under the ass. And the netting doesn't match her skin tone- people it is supposed to match- you are all too tanned!

Ok only one of them is ok- that white one by Texas. The others meet all of my pageant expectations!

Oh god Nancy Odell- Ruffles and grecian while pregnant- and yellow?! Really!! And what the hell is up with the jewelry- a broche, plus long necklace, plus chandelier earrings- too much! And don't even get me started on the weird lining/petticoat- hideous!!

Yeah, these "prestigious" awards are right up there with the Oscars- dumbasses!

Well they obviously didn't chose the top 5 based on their dresses- blech! From a distance Tennessee looks the best- because the sash covers the hideous cutouts. But Nevada in that disastrous pink thing- seriously!? Thankfully stripperella Missouri is gone!

YAY INTERVIEWS!! WOOHOO!!

Nevada- oh god it is shorter at the front! yuck! Wow that was inspiring- I really got the feeling she was "cold"- what a boring dumb story

Tennessee- she is just giving stats of the school- she is not saying how she volunteered- and what she did...but i'm sure the judges will eat that shit up

Kansas- Catholic youth organization- yuck...oh god worked with abortion centres- shut up bitch! And she stumbled...and was horrible....hate her

Rhode Island- wow- a parent instilled a need for education- shocking...wait- isn't that what parents do?! dumbass- creative writing? Keeping a journal isn't creative writing! Idiot! what a horrid description

California- that isn't sleep walking- that is just some sort of odd incident- what a weird story. Although I liked her little line at the end.

Oh they are going to eat that Tennessee shit up! What the hell is the point of those backstage clips?! I mean they are getting that dumbass Tara to talk for no reason since they aren't playing any of it- it just looks staged and awkward!

Thought provoking question- WOOHOO!! Even better!!

Nevada- brother is a hero? Oh nice use of the army! Nicely done- completely vapid answer that said nothing- but she will get a big score for her shout out the troops

Tennessee- famous man...Will Smith?! Really!!! his character and integrity- bitch please. You don't know him!! He is a celebrity- what the hell are you thinking!?!?!? You pick a politician- you should have kept up with the South African angle- said Mandela. Acting career? I'll strive for that/! Moron- haha Tim Vincent just called her Will! HAHA

Kansas- She doesn't think everyone deserves a second chance?! I just paused my tivo and you should see the expression on Vanessa Minnello's face- she is like bitch please! hehe situations such as murder they should not be granted...oh my god...religious much?! i can see the knife stabbing her foot...idiot!

Rhode Island- banning cell phones while driving- oh wow- how horribly inoffensive. Nicely done. she is not well spoken- she is not eloquent at all

California- it's appropriate? Oh nice bringing up the beauty on the inside- how did that make any sense?! She just flipped the question so she could talk about inner beauty...moron

Ok after all that crap who is my favourite?

Oh I hate that pearl crown- it is like some cheapass thing from a mermaid ice capades? Trump Model Management? Tadashi- who the hell are they?! Official swimsuits are from Thailand- who has ever heard of them?! God the crap she is getting- I've heard of none of these brands except for Nina Shoes! She only gets a 4 day trip!?!? To the Caribbean?!? God this is crap!!

Ok back to my favourite- Shit I have to go with Tennessee or Rhode Island...but they are all pure crap.

Lindsay is going with Nevada- she did break out the big guns with the army- we'll have to see!

Oh just for interest- Linz just asked me to clarify who the male host is. He is Tim Vincent- the 2nd male host of Access Hollywood. He is hot- and so much better than Billy Bush

Oh god what a HORRIBLE dress on Miss USA- what a cheap piece of crap. And she couldn't have worn some tape- her breasts are just flopping!

Oh Nevada was low even with the big guns. Then California. Let the next one be Kansas- yes! Excellent

HAHA- it's my top two!! It's going to be Tennessee! HAHAHA- fuck I rock!!!

People please take note- I am an expert at this shit
And expert I tell you. I have dedicated years to my "craft" as a talent commentator. To all skanks out there- if you need a pageant coach my services are available for a very reasonable price. I will win it for you!

I love the 1 solitary tear on her face- Crybaby anyone?!

Ok I am at the Trump Model Management site looking through their "models". I see some covers but don't recognize anyone so far....wait...stop the presses....Isabella Rossillini?! What now?! Really?! Why the hell is she there? Is Trump blackmailing her? Wait Jodie Kidd- ok I've heard of her too...maybe I have to eat my words...LISA CANT?!?! Are you serious?! She is like one of the biggest models right now....I am truly shocked. Truly, truly shocked. I guess it is a valid agency.....